I’ve Lost Myself…

1z32l4oSomewhere in the last 3 weeks, I’ve lost myself.

I want to be fully present where I am. I want to treasure the person in front of me. I want them to know that they are seen. I don’t want to be distracted.

But somewhere in between the days and the all nighters, I’ve become distracted and worried. I’ve given into anxiety. I’ve given into stressing over my future.

Somewhere in the last 3 weeks I’ve stopped trusting Jesus and started trusting no one, not even myself. And so I’ve traded peace for angst, joy for worry, and hope for fear. I speak against these things and yet I’ve forgotten my own words.

This is what happens when I let go of what I know…

I let myself believe that God wants me to figure my life out all on my own. And because I might make the wrong choice and screw it all up, I have extreme anxiety. It all depends on me. I must make enough money. I must find the right job. I must make decisions that make everyone happy. And in between those demands that I place on myself, I repeat the words “don’t fail”, “don’t fail”, “don’t fail”. If you fail, imagine what others will think, imagine the opportunities you will miss out on, imagine the opportunities that God will take from you. God doesn’t want failures. So don’t be one. Even if you have to run yourself ragged, do not fail.

In my tiredness, I give into these lies.

And in these moments all I feel is failure and all I feel is doubt and hopelessness. I don’t want to do it alone, I don’t want it to depend on me and I want to scream out “don’t let me do it alone”!

I CAN’T DO IT ALONE!!!

Somewhere in the last 3 weeks, I’ve lost myself.

I don’t know how I did it? Is it a lack of sleep, an overload of reading and papers and exams? Is it too much activity, not enough down time, a schedule with no room? Is it saying yes to everything and no to nothing? Is it people taking and not giving?

What causes you to lose yourself? And how do you find yourself again? What decisions must you make?

I’m asking because I want to know. Tell me how you do it. When you get to that point, you know the one I’m talking about, when you get there, how do you get back?

I am an advocate of being real, and honest, and owning who you are and where you’re at. And so I’m actively and intentionally telling you that right now I feel like I’m running on empty. And I don’t think I’m the only one.

So how do you find yourself when you feel like you’ve lost yourself?

Speak it out, write it out, let this be a place where we speak candidly, and yet encourage one another.

I’m inviting it, because I know I’m not the only one.

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2 thoughts on “I’ve Lost Myself…

  1. totally needed this.

    this perfectionist needs this reminder all too often.

    i always try to find a reminder to repeat in the place of “be perfect”…

    “jesus is still and always my #1.” “i am loved.” “i am daughter of the King.”

    and i read back on my own words… you’d be surprised how often words from years ago meant to encourage others come back to encourage you at a later date. 🙂

    you can do it because He loves you, darcie! thanks for being so open and honest all the time. i so love your words. 🙂

    alyssa

  2. This really relates to what I wrote a couple weeks ago about learning “it’s okay.” I think this “push ourselves until we’re at the top” mentality is so completely backwards – especially because we usually do this in every area of our lives. Something has to give. I’m learning that meeting my own needs (whatever that looks like) is the most important thing when I begin to feel like this. Say no when you’re tired, make time to relax even when life is crazy and don’t strive to be the best and the busiest. It’s a toxic way to live.

    Most of all, remind yourself that it’s okay to take care of yourself first in times like this. The give and take are what make up real friendships and you can’t be expected to give all the time. Good friends will recognize you’re stressed and won’t take your distraction personally, Darc. 🙂

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