I want to be fully present where I am. I want to treasure the person in front of me. I want them to know that they are seen. I don’t want to be distracted.
But somewhere in between the days and the all nighters, I’ve become distracted and worried. I’ve given into anxiety. I’ve given into stressing over my future.
Somewhere in the last 3 weeks I’ve stopped trusting Jesus and started trusting no one, not even myself. And so I’ve traded peace for angst, joy for worry, and hope for fear. I speak against these things and yet I’ve forgotten my own words.
This is what happens when I let go of what I know…
I let myself believe that God wants me to figure my life out all on my own. And because I might make the wrong choice and screw it all up, I have extreme anxiety. It all depends on me. I must make enough money. I must find the right job. I must make decisions that make everyone happy. And in between those demands that I place on myself, I repeat the words “don’t fail”, “don’t fail”, “don’t fail”. If you fail, imagine what others will think, imagine the opportunities you will miss out on, imagine the opportunities that God will take from you. God doesn’t want failures. So don’t be one. Even if you have to run yourself ragged, do not fail.
In my tiredness, I give into these lies.
And in these moments all I feel is failure and all I feel is doubt and hopelessness. I don’t want to do it alone, I don’t want it to depend on me and I want to scream out “don’t let me do it alone”!
I CAN’T DO IT ALONE!!!
Somewhere in the last 3 weeks, I’ve lost myself.
I don’t know how I did it? Is it a lack of sleep, an overload of reading and papers and exams? Is it too much activity, not enough down time, a schedule with no room? Is it saying yes to everything and no to nothing? Is it people taking and not giving?
What causes you to lose yourself? And how do you find yourself again? What decisions must you make?
I’m asking because I want to know. Tell me how you do it. When you get to that point, you know the one I’m talking about, when you get there, how do you get back?
I am an advocate of being real, and honest, and owning who you are and where you’re at. And so I’m actively and intentionally telling you that right now I feel like I’m running on empty. And I don’t think I’m the only one.
So how do you find yourself when you feel like you’ve lost yourself?
Speak it out, write it out, let this be a place where we speak candidly, and yet encourage one another.
I’m inviting it, because I know I’m not the only one.