That word is terrifying and exciting all at the same time.

As I grow and live I am finding that there is a part of me that craves change and yet there’s a part of me that just wants things to stay the same. The stay the same part is the little girl inside of me that doesn’t want to grow up and that just wants to be safe in my parents arms forever. This is that part of me that doesn’t want to face the big world full of responsibility and unanswered questions and things that make me hurt and the fact that things don’t always turn out the way you thought they would. I’ve realized over the last few weeks that I’m grieving my childhood. It sounds a bit funny when I write it out here but it took me a while to be able to figure it out. It took me a while to be able to actually identify that at the root of some of the things going on in my life is that I don’t want to let go of what was so good and so safe and so full of love and laughter and all the good things.

But things change.

My younger brother Greg is leaving in September to spend a year working at L’arche in Ottawa. After 18 years of pastoring at Wainfleet BIC my Dad will be transitioning into a leadership & recruiting role with the BIC Canadian Conference, which means big changes for both my Dad and Mom. My youngest brother Josh has one year left of high school, ONE more year! When did this happen? When did my cute little bubby become this tall, handsome young man who owns a car and has a job and is getting ready for college in a year? There’s a part of me that feels like I’m being left behind and perhaps it’s because I’m clinging so tightly to the little girl inside of me, the girl who just wants it to stay the same. I haven’t figured out what to do with this yet. Maybe one day I’ll wake up and the fear will subside?

Then there’s the other part of me; the part of me that wants new experiences with new people to learn from and new challenges to face. It’s the part of me that wants to expand my thinking and embrace responsibility and independence as if it was a familiar friend. The part of me that doesn’t want to be stagnant or caught in a rut but continually moving. I started reading one of Donald Miller’s books called ‘Through Painted Deserts’ and he writes about this very thing….

“I remember that sweet sensation of leaving, years ago, some ten now, leaving Texas for who knows where. I could not have known about this beautiful place, the Oregon I have come to love, this city of great people, the smell of coffee and these evergreens reaching up into a mist of sky, these sunsets spilling over the west hills to slide a red glow down the streets of my town. 

And I could not have know then that if I had been born here, I would have left here, gone someplace south to deal with horses, to get on some open land where you can see tomorrow’s storm brewing over a high desert. I could not have know then that everybody, every person, has to leave, has to change like seasons; they have to or they die. The seasons reminding me that I must keep changing, and I want to change because it is God’s way. All my life I have been changing. I changed from a baby to a child, from soft toys to play daggers. I changed into a teenager to drive a car, into a worker to spend some money. I will change into a husband to love a woman, into a father to love a child, change houses so we are near water, and again so we are near mountains, and again so we are near friends, keep changing with my wife, getting our love so it dies and gets born again and again, like a garden, fed by four seasons, a cycle of change. Everybody has to change, or they expire. Everybody has to leave, everybody has to leave their home and come back so they can love it again for all new reasons.

I want to keep my soul fertile for the changes, so things keep getting born in me, so things keep dying when it is time for things to die. I want to keep walking away from the person I was a moment ago, because a mind was made to figure things out, not to read the same page recurrently. Only the good stories have the characters different at the end than they were at the beginning.”

I think this sums the other part of me up completely. These are the things I know to be true. Change can be a wonderful thing, wonderful and hard at the same time. Wonderful because things are new and different and your soul is ready for it and hard because it’s new and different and your soul remembers how it used to be.

You live in the tension. You choose to keep moving and trusting. I want to choose these things because I don’t want to expire. I don’t want to read the same page my whole life.

So maybe it’s going to take me a bit to let go but the change is in the journey, right?

All I know is that my childhood was wonderful and I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world but I want to be able to live fully present in the here and now. I don’t want to miss the fantastic things happening in this new phase because I’m stuck in the old.

I have to keep changing, because this is God’s way.


Oh I Went Down To Georgia…

So a few months ago I planned to take a little visit down south to visit one of my closest friends. Her name is BJ (Brittany Joy) and she lives in the beautiful state of Georgia. Last Saturday I flew into Atlanta and spent the next four days catching up, seeing the city and having some very fine dining experiences. My body wasn’t used to the extreme heat and humidity so I drank water like crazy and seemed to “glow” every where I went! A few highlights of my trips were getting to see the Laser Show at Stone Mountain, going to the Georgia Aquarium, seeing the Coke Museum and attending 12Stone (BJ’s church) which if I may add has a Starbucks in it…..I know! I also enjoyed the fine dining at the Cheesecake Factory, ChicfilA and The Cracker Barrell…..yummy! My flight home was delayed due to bad weather in Atlanta so I had plenty of time to sit in the airport and people watch….there were tons of delays and cancellations! When we were finally in the air I got the change to witness one of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen….it was like a lightening show below the plane the entire way home, the sky just lit up. My window seat on the Delta plane gave me a birds eye view of the mystery and beauty of a part of God’s creation, it was magnificent.   I’ve included just a few highlight pics of my trip below….hope you enjoy!

This last picture is my view of Atlanta just as the plane was leaving the city via sky! Flying at night does have it’s benefits!

Getting to see new places and visit with friends is such a blessing. I’m already looking forward to my next trip…..wherever that may be!

Sweet Dreams Y’all,
~The Kindred Spirit

Say Cheese…

I’ve always loved taking pictures, looking at pictures, editing pictures and of course hanging pictures all over the walls of my room. So recently I was thinking and decided that I needed a new hobby. I want to learn something new. I’ve always loved photography so I thought why not take a class, why not get a really good camera and take a class and learn something new? So I bought a camera. Actually I bought a very expensive camera, one which put a good dent in my savings (sigh). It’s a Nikon D5000 and if you’re having trouble picturing what that might look like…..let me show you….

It’s beautiful isn’t it? I think so. Some of my girls from my jr. high small group were trying to name it. My hands were shaking when I opened it. I’ve never bought something like this before. I’ve held one but it’s never been mine. I was afraid I might drop it or push a wrong button and cause it to deconstruct, if that’s even possible. So for the past few weeks I’ve been practicing and trying to figure out how to work this piece of technical art. Thankfully there is this little button that has a question mark on the side of the camera and if I push it a definition of the setting I’m on pops up. I don’t know what I would do without this button. 
My Mom has a friend who is a photographer. She’s fabulous and she is going to mentor me as I embark on learning this new craft. You can check out her blog here
I’ll keep you posted on how it goes. Let me know if you want a personal photo shoot….I need all the practice I can get 🙂
I think I might start to get labeled ‘the girl with the camera’ so if you see me….say hi!
Yours Truly,