Tonight we had a campfire with some friends from church. A little celebration of the end of school I guess you could say. I had to work until 9 but I joined them afterwards. It was so good to be together. I love being together with other believers who are friends. I love it when there are so many kids around, it brings such life. I sat with 2 of the younger girls for a while and just listened to them talk about what is going on in their worlds.
Do you ever just sit and listen to a child talk? It is really fascinating. To see the world how they see it. To love like they love. To hug like they hug. To laugh like they laugh. To cry when they hurt. That is part of the reason I love working with children. You always know how they feel. They ask the simple questions. They trust. You can be stern when you need to and they will still love you. We can learn so much from kids. It makes me think about having a childlike faith. Coming to Jesus as a child. I know I make it too complex. I have this desire to understand everything when I know I can’t. I need to have faith more like a child. I need to laugh more and hug more and trust more. Trust. I have issues with trust. I want to know everything, that makes it hard to just trust. Today my prayer is that I could just trust. That prayer could take a while! I wonder how trust happens? I trust a chair when I sit on it, that it will hold me up. I trust the car everytime I drive it. I trust my parents…..most of the time…lol! Why do I have trouble trusting God?
Today I listened to a sermon by a guy named Greg Boyd…one thing he said caught my attention. He said that some of us have the kind of me and my personal Jesus religion…it goes like this “I asked Jesus into my heart so he’s always there. I take Him out when I need him. I take Him out when I want to get blessed. I take Him out when I need to get free from condemnation. I take him out when I need my finances to be helped. I put Him away when I’m sinning or when I’m just doing my ordinary kind of life, but he’s always there like a genie in the bottle to be taken out and talked to when I need Him.” This caught me off guard. Is this me? Do I have a me and my personal Jesus religion or faith? No! I don’t want that! Perhaps that is what I think though. How deep is my faith really? I want it to be more. I desperately want it to be more. I have become more aware of my shallowness. It’s great to be a christian when there are lots of christians around and when there is a worship band or when people are excited and there is hype and I get excited and hyped up. There is nothing wrong with that, don’t get me wrong. But I see now that I am shallow. If my faith and relationship with Jesus is based solely off of those experiences I really have no depth at all. I don’t know Jesus at all. I know that it feels good to worship and I know that it feels good to be around people who share the same vision and faith. I know that part of me feels safe there. Those things are great and many times I have felt the holy spirit at work in those situations but they are feelings and when things happen that I don’t understand those feelings don’t do anything for me, I need more.
So I have decided to embark on a new journey. One to know Jesus without the hype. Everyday, big and small, in the shallow end and the deep end. I am tired of having to start over every time something happens that shakes me up, my faith must be more. I don’t want a personal Jesus religion, it’s not good enough for me. I believe God wants more. Writing this out keeps me somewhat accountable. I need to start at the beginning. I need to re-evaluate and rebuild the foundation.
All throught my childhood and on into the teenage year when I come downstairs in the morning I find my mom doing devotions and praying. We always prayed together for important things happening at school. Whenever something scary happened that needed the Lord’s help I always went to Mom because I knew her and God were close, her prayers worked. I always said that one day when I am a mom I want to pray for my kids just like my mom. At this point in my life I am realizing that one day if I am going to have the depth of my mother I need to follow in her footsteps and seek after God. I want to love God and know Him like my mom. So if you would just say a prayer for me as I walk into this new journey. Pray that it would change me and bring some depth to my shallow world.